Can't Stop Smiling!

It's such a fantastic feeling, having something to be excited about again! Not that there aren't small things that I can be excited about on a daily basis, like a breakthrough in a session with one of my little clients... or fun conversations with my roommates because we're girls and we love to giggle... or Jesus and the ways I've seen him working in my life the last few months. But, this is a new excitement... something that I haven't had in awhile now. And I can't stop smiling about it. It's glorious.

Good vs. Evil

I insist on believing that some good can be found in every individual, despite the fact that the bible says that everyone is born sinful. I do not believe the bible is wrong, but I do believe that change can be made. Hello, social work. You're taking over my life.

What a night!

Have you ever experienced something so completely unexpected that it takes a significant amount of time for it to even sink in? Yeah. Me too. Crazy, unbelievable, shocking, and SO fantastic. Hm. This'll be interesting...

Lavendar, Elvis, and Lots of Wine

Well, had the big 60th Anniversary/90th Birthday Party Celebration this weekend for my grandparents, and WHAT a party it was! Tons of relatives that hadn't gotten together since the last reunion ten years ago. Lots of old people that I had never seen before. Decorations, and ornaments, and diamonds, and lavendar, and candles. An Elvis impersonator who is a long-time friend of the family and made not just the women, but the men blush too. Months of preparation and an entire day of decorating. Fun dressing up fancy-like and feeling pretty for an evening. Cosmic bowling afterward with the cousins. Was a blast!

Sigh.

I haven't forgotten that I have a blog.
I'm just busy.
Not in the way I'd like to be busy.
I'm busy writing papers, and going to class, and reading an insanely large number of pages in textbooks, and doing an internship which is basically working part-time without getting paid for it.
I knew it would be like this.
I'm not complaining.
I've actually nearly completed 25% of the two years it will take to get my MSW.
That's kind of exciting.
I've recently become re-obsessed with Ireland.
Thus, I've decided I should travel there once I've graduated.
I feel like after the number of graduations I will have had at that point, I might deserve it.
Or need it, rather.
Unless I have a job at that point.
That could be tricky.
Often I think about writing here, but I decide that it will take too long or that I don't want to get too emotional or invest too much thought into trying to explain something that probably only makes sense to me.
So, I just don't.
I love reading about everyone else.
They always have much more interesting things to say, or artistic inspirations to share.
Sometimes I wonder if there's anything interesting about me.
I mean, I know there is.
I think.
I mean, there is, and I know it's silly to wonder about it.
But sometimes I feel like most everyone else is more interesting than I am.
Maybe they are.
Or at least, in different ways.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm waiting to become who I am.
According to psychology studies, you don't really know who you are until you're 27.
I have four months.
Or, a year and four months.
Maybe I get to figure it out while I'm 27.
That makes me feel a little better to think about it that way.
Well.
I guess I should get back to that paper I'm writing.
One of the ones that usually keeps me from updating this silly blog.
Or, I could go to Ireland.
That sounds better.

Revelation

Realized something today. Well, more than one something. Listened to some fantastic podcasts from Wake@1BL. Good insight. Quite a refreshing feeling right now. Afraid to start a new day, though. Afraid this feeling will be gone with the sunrise.

Grad School.

I've been in grad school for one month now. Tomorrow, Monday, begins week #5 of the semester. Grad school is hard. What was I thinking?

The End of the Film

I can't stop thinking about it. I can't. It's driving me crazy. It makes me feel angry, and hurt, and confused... and I'm frustrated that I can't stop thinking about it. I feel pathetic and weak. I feel like a fool. I've always had a difficult time trusting people, and not necessarily because of one big instance in my life, but because of all the little things that have built up over the years. Especially trusting words. Words are powerful. But for once, for ONCE, I finally let myself believe everything. All of it. I finally LET GO. I gave in, said "come what may," and actually believed that everything would be the way the words said they would. FINALLY did it. And, to what purpose? To have it slapped back in my face, my heart stabbed, and my inner-NESS -- not quite my soul, but something close to it -- kicked to the side of the road and forgotten, wounded, bleeding, and possibly scarred. Memories are powerful. Memories of verbs, nouns, adjectives... at once making sense, then suddenly dropped, erased from the story. Why does it matter so much to me? Why do I let it live in my mind, when it has no existence anywhere else? It's like an old-fashioned movie playing in a darkened attic, and as the end of the film nears, the tape on the reel begins to flap, replaying the last scene over and over... and I just sit there watching it, hoping that THIS time it will make sense. It never does.

Optimistic Realism

I like to think of myself as an optimistic realist. I don't know if this is an actual 'thing' and my mother informed me tonight that optimistic realism isn't possible; nonetheless, I choose to believe that is what I am. Accepting reality but choosing to view it with an optimistic flair, if you will. However, sometimes I think I get too caught up in the 'optimism' part and thus become disappointed in the 'realism' part. At least when it comes to people and my belief in who they are and their potential to become who I think they can be. Too often I find myself seeing only the good in others; their positive attributes, their gifts and talents, who they are on a 'good' day. I subconsciously choose to not remember their faults, their humanity... creating a mega-person of sorts, I guess. So, when my idea of their goodness becomes 'tainted' by their humanity, it throws me for a loop. I don't like it. It messes up my thought-system. My optimistic world view loosens its grip a bit and reality forges ahead, leaving me behind in my let-down mess. And I admit that this is completely my fault. How dare I expect my idea of who someone is, their 'perfect' self, to reign true? Yet, each time that idea of a certain perfection is muddled, I'm still surprised. I'm confused. I'm hurt. Sometimes my optimistic realism is actually what I want reality to be, instead of what it is. It's as if I create my own 'Noah and the Flood' each time it happens. A systematic hurting, healing, learning and moving on. But I'd rather have it this way as opposed to a strictly realistic viewpoint... I like to see the good in others, in the world... I like the opportunity for growth, for perseverance, for hope.

QOTD

Haskel, 5 years old: Can you call my mom? Because I quit camp.

Tank: Why?

Haskel: Because it takes too long to get to lunchtime and you can't lay down during the God songs.

*Later on*

Haskel: Is anyone going to call my mom?? Because if you're not, then I'm going to.

Jr. High + Jesus = Love!

I LOVE being a Jr. High leader at church. Love it. I can't get enough of the ridiculous games and competitions, especially when the boys have to cheat in order to win... I love hanging around and catching up with the girls, whether it's about who the next cute boy is in their lives or what silly thing they did to entertain themselves that day... I like that the boys will actually play football with me, even though I'm a girl... it's way too much fun to watch the other leaders crack themselves up... the discussion times with the girls are so much fun when we get to share our lives with one another, have chat time and talk about Jesus... and, every so often, I take a step back and realize what an honor, privilege and a complete joy it is to be a part of these kids' lives. I absolutely love it.

Please Step Back

I'd just like to remind the general public that I am not, in fact, European, and I am okay with that. I appreciate space and cling dearly to my personal bubble in most, if not all, situations. At least in public. Around people I don't know. So, this evening when I was in the check-out line at the grocery store waiting for my turn to pay, I realized why I was beginning to feel uncomfortable: the man behind me was quite literally breathing down my neck. Okay, so whatever. I'll try to deal. But then when you realize that you're both looking at the magazine covers of half-naked women and the "next best way to get him to do what you want," it makes it that much more awkward. Hence, the presumed position: stepping as closely as I could to the lady in front of me, wrapping my arms tightly around my wallet and grasping it as closely to my person as I could, and staring straight forward, hoping that I could psych myself out and pretend there wasn't a man standing so close to me that if I were to turn around my nose would be touching his chest. I think it's okay to want at least a minimum amount of personal space. I'm okay with the fact that I'm not as free and open as the Europeans are, and that I'm not okay with riding buses or subways, clinging desperately to a handrail while I strain my muscles so hard that I probably actually pull one, just to prevent my face from landing straight into the armpit of the semi-questionable, definitely sweaty person next to me. Thank you, America, for creating and celebrating comfort zones. Now, please take a step back.

QOTD

Something that really stuck with me from church on Sunday:

Don't spiritualize your preferences into something connected to salvation or being a true Christian.


So many times I've needed to be reminded of that, or could have used it as a platform for certain "discussions" with others...

Grampy Steals the Show Again

Went to Cho Cho San for dinner since my cousin is in town visiting...
(Warning: This entry rated PG-13)

*Waiting for our food at the table*

Grampy: Jesse, do you eat with chopsticks when you go to your girl's house? ... Does she eat with chopsticks at your house?


*Watching our food being prepared by the talented cook*

Grampy: Jesse, all of your sons are going to be learning how to do this.


*Talking about all the ladies at the house where Grampy stays*

Mom: Yeah, she thinks you're cute.
Grampy: Well, I am!


*Asking Grampy about the company he wants to start*

Elizabeth: Grandpa, what kind of a company is it?
Grampy: Retail.
Elizabeth: Oh! What do you sell?
Grampy: Well, everything from sanitary napkins to cereal.
*Hysterical laughter*
Mom: Why are sanitary napkins the first things you think of?
Grampy: They're NOT the first thing I think of!
...
Grampy: The traveling salesman told me all about them. I know all about the sizes, the softness, the hardness...
*Hysterical laughter, again*


*Trying to put Grampy back in the car*

Mom: Dad, lift your left leg! Dad! Your left leg! Lift your leg!
Grampy: That's not my left leg, that's my sex organ!

QOTD

I absolutely love this quote:

Real love doesn't ask what is in it for me; it just gives unconditionally. It just tries to take the weight out of someone else's pack, lessen the load, and if it gets reciprocated, that's great, but it isn't what you did it for. - Donald Miller

Easter Brunch Quotes

*Grampy snacking on carrots and dip before brunch*

Grammy: Don't dip it in there so deep!
Grampy: Well you have to if you want to get anything on it!


*Waiting for mom to finish in the kitchen before we eat*

Grampy: Where's Leesi?
Grammy: In the kitchen.
Grampy: Well good, that's where I want her!


*Grampy having difficulty eating the scone he's holding. Thanks, stroke*

Grampy: Well how'd it get all the way down there?


*At the table*

Grampy: What do you call this Vodka drink?
Mom: Pink lemonade.


*Opening the 'Resurrection Eggs', as Grammy gets to the one containing the "stone"*

Grampy: Well, he'd be living in a gopher hold if that was the size of it!


*Mom trying to help feed Grampy*

Grampy: Leesi, don't rub it all over my face!


*After Mom and Dad brought Grampy back from the bathroom*

Grampy: I want Leesi to save her baby-making parts for things other than lifting.

Grad School!

I got the letter in the mail today! I was accepted to the Social Work Master's program at CSU Fullerton! I am SO excited! It's such a relief knowing I get to finally do what my heart is so passionate about. Cannot WAIT! =)

Random Fact

I don't like carpet in bathrooms.

Things I'd Like To Say About Today

1. Freeway signs should tell you which side of the freeway your next freeway-of-choice will be on.

2. People should get in trouble for not using their blinkers.

3. Interview-ers should at least RESPOND to interview-ees, and not just blankly stare until the interview-ee has completed answering a question. How is the interview-ee supposed to know if they should keep talking? If they answered it even remotely 'correct'? If anyone in the room has any idea what he or she just said?

4. The city of Placentia should have never been named that.

5. There needs to be more than a one-lane freeway entrance to get on the 91, especially when 50 feet back it's the bus lane, and there's no WAY you can get over in time... thus resulting in 3.5 U-turns before you can actually start heading home.

6. I was the minority for once! Maybe I WILL get in!

7. Just because I'm dressed nicely doesn't mean I'm going to the Job Fair. And no, I don't know where it is.

8. The CSUF map said there was cheaper parking. It lied. I paid $8.00 to park for less than 2 hours.

9. CSUF students really like hot dogs.

10. I sang all the way home, and didn't care who looked at me through the window. That's a lie. I did care. I just made sure my lips weren't moving as much if I lined up with a car in the middle of traffic.

11. You want to live on the OTHER side of the train tracks in Fullerton. Trust me.

Come Home

Normally, the reason I love a song is because of the music... the melodies, the harmonies, the amazing drums, the beautiful piano... but today, for some reason, the lyrics somehow made it into my consciousness, and this specific song is almost EXACTLY what I am thinking, feeling, wanting to say at this moment. So thank you, Onerepublic, for recording some incredible lyrics.

"Come Home" by Onerepublic

Hello, world, hope you're listening.
Forgive me if I'm young
Or speaking out of turn.
There's someone I've been missing,
And I think that they could be the better half of me.

They're in the wrong place, trying to make it right,
But I'm tired of justifying.

So I say to you:
Come home, come home,
'Cause I've been waiting for you for so long, so long.
And right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me,
And the fight for you is all I've ever known, ever known,
So come home.

I get lost in the beauty of everything I see.
The world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be.
If all the sons, all the daughters stop to take it in,
Well, hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin.

It might start now, or maybe I'm just dreaming out loud.
Well, until then,

Come home, come home,
'Cause I've been waiting for you for so long, so long.
And right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me,
And the fight for you is all I've ever known, ever known,
So come home.

Everything I can't be is everything you should be,
And that's why I need you here.
Everything I can't be is everything you should be,
And that's why I need you here.

So hear this now:
Come home, come home,
'Cause I've been waiting for you for so long, so long,
And right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me,
And the fight for you is all I've ever known, ever known,
So come home, come home.

Goodness

Today was a good day. Spent most of it washing things... the dog, the cars, the dishes... productive day! I had a much more positive outlook on life today than I have been able to muster the past week. Had a GREAT conversation with my parents. Did a lot of writing yesterday... for myself, for others... quite therapeutic. Got to chat with Alissa recently, which was SO nice, because it was starting to feel like we lived in separate worlds. Had a lovely dinner with grandparents and cousins and adorable children tonight... it's amazing what a pair of dimples can do for the soul! More camp sign-ups tomorrow at church. Preparing for an interview with CSUF on Monday... really excited, slightly nervous, but overall have a good feeling about it. I'm ready to get my life to a point where it feels like it's moving again. I'm ready for the part where I help change the world.

Running Around in Slow Motion

Sometimes I forget that life is happening around me, despite whatever it is that's going on in my own life. It's somewhat embarrassing, realizing how caught up I can get in my own actions, emotions, worries. It's so easy to think about others when everything is going well with me. Funny how that is. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for me to analyze one more thought, cry over one more hurt, or attempt to figure out how to make things happen the way I want them to happen. If I could make myself physically move and accomplish things at the same rate my mind moves, I would seriousy be Wonder Woman. I would. Because while I sit there, I let myself begin to obsess over the little things, and it feels like it will never end... my thoughts are running around at lightning-speed while I just sit there, letting everything else happen in slow motion.

Treasure Box

Tonight I pulled down this dusty box from the very highest shelf in my closet. I set it down, got all comfy in my bed, and slowly opened it up. My treasure box. I couldn't believe all the memories I had trapped in there, intentionally trying to keep them all locked up inside, not letting them out until I decided it was safe again. One of the notes I found in there actually instructed me to use the box as a place to keep my treasure... which I did. What I didn't do was realize how big a treasure I actually had before I locked it all away. Memory after memory came pouring out as I spent hundreds of minutes slowly and delicately peeling back time with each paper, photo, keepsake I uncovered. I sit here in awe at what I have so lovingly and preciously re-locked away, trying to figure out why I needed or wanted to lock it away in the first place. Something so valuable, so adored is meant to be cared for, cherished, loved. Aren't things like that supposed to get even better with time? But I suppose they can't, if they're locked up and tucked away, intentionally meant to be forgotten on a shelf until it's safe to pull them back out again.

Invisible Children: The Rescue

I cannot tell you how many times I have seen the "Invisible Children" documentary, how many times it has touched me in a different way... or how many times the video ends and I find tears streaming down my face yet again.

The guys telling the story have worked for years to give those children a voice, and they continue to work for peace, and to rescue the child soldiers who are still under Joseph Kony's reign. They have made a new documentary, and are letting everyone know about another opportunity to get involved and how to provide a voice for the children of northern Uganda.

Get involved.

Go here for more information: www.therescue.invisiblechildren.com

Watch the video. It will change your life.

QOTD

"I'm not prejudiced, but I think I'm getting there." - Mom

QOTD

"Because he doesn't dance. He gets all up on me." -Brian

QOTD

Overheard tonight...


Dad: "It doesn't work this way. I can't do it like that."

Mom: "Yes it does, just do it right there."

Dad: "But I can't reach."

I want to marry Josh Groban.

QOTD

"Miss Nickles, those are some kick-ass shoes." - Student at TOHS

Oops.

How did I forget I have a blog? Maybe because my laptop literally DIED for a period of time. That could have done it. Although, my mother makes fun of me enough for having a blog that one would think I'd never forget.

I don't have any SUPER exciting news to post.

However, I will update for those (if any) who read this:

1. Working at TOHS in a Special Ed class in the mornings. Love it.
2. Still working at Adult School. Sometimes love it.
3. In the beginning stages of planning Adventure Weeks 2009. It's really tough, so far.
4. Jr High leader at Living Oaks. Love it.
5. Waiting to hear back from CSULB. Don't love the waiting.
6. Keeping fingers crossed about getting in to CSULB, and then moving to LB with Alissa. Would DEFINITELY love that.

I guess those are the bullet points of my life for now. Hope you enjoyed the presentation.