The End of the Film

I can't stop thinking about it. I can't. It's driving me crazy. It makes me feel angry, and hurt, and confused... and I'm frustrated that I can't stop thinking about it. I feel pathetic and weak. I feel like a fool. I've always had a difficult time trusting people, and not necessarily because of one big instance in my life, but because of all the little things that have built up over the years. Especially trusting words. Words are powerful. But for once, for ONCE, I finally let myself believe everything. All of it. I finally LET GO. I gave in, said "come what may," and actually believed that everything would be the way the words said they would. FINALLY did it. And, to what purpose? To have it slapped back in my face, my heart stabbed, and my inner-NESS -- not quite my soul, but something close to it -- kicked to the side of the road and forgotten, wounded, bleeding, and possibly scarred. Memories are powerful. Memories of verbs, nouns, adjectives... at once making sense, then suddenly dropped, erased from the story. Why does it matter so much to me? Why do I let it live in my mind, when it has no existence anywhere else? It's like an old-fashioned movie playing in a darkened attic, and as the end of the film nears, the tape on the reel begins to flap, replaying the last scene over and over... and I just sit there watching it, hoping that THIS time it will make sense. It never does.

Optimistic Realism

I like to think of myself as an optimistic realist. I don't know if this is an actual 'thing' and my mother informed me tonight that optimistic realism isn't possible; nonetheless, I choose to believe that is what I am. Accepting reality but choosing to view it with an optimistic flair, if you will. However, sometimes I think I get too caught up in the 'optimism' part and thus become disappointed in the 'realism' part. At least when it comes to people and my belief in who they are and their potential to become who I think they can be. Too often I find myself seeing only the good in others; their positive attributes, their gifts and talents, who they are on a 'good' day. I subconsciously choose to not remember their faults, their humanity... creating a mega-person of sorts, I guess. So, when my idea of their goodness becomes 'tainted' by their humanity, it throws me for a loop. I don't like it. It messes up my thought-system. My optimistic world view loosens its grip a bit and reality forges ahead, leaving me behind in my let-down mess. And I admit that this is completely my fault. How dare I expect my idea of who someone is, their 'perfect' self, to reign true? Yet, each time that idea of a certain perfection is muddled, I'm still surprised. I'm confused. I'm hurt. Sometimes my optimistic realism is actually what I want reality to be, instead of what it is. It's as if I create my own 'Noah and the Flood' each time it happens. A systematic hurting, healing, learning and moving on. But I'd rather have it this way as opposed to a strictly realistic viewpoint... I like to see the good in others, in the world... I like the opportunity for growth, for perseverance, for hope.

QOTD

Haskel, 5 years old: Can you call my mom? Because I quit camp.

Tank: Why?

Haskel: Because it takes too long to get to lunchtime and you can't lay down during the God songs.

*Later on*

Haskel: Is anyone going to call my mom?? Because if you're not, then I'm going to.